How to Outwit a Rebellious YOU
by Katie Jay, MSW, Certified Wellness Coach
Director, National Association for Weight Loss Surgery
www.nawls.com

 

When my son was younger, he was a master at throwing tantrums. He didn't just get angry. He screamed, cried, yelled, and even growled. It was scary and frustrating. There we'd be in the grocery store and he'd say, "Mama, I want this."

 

He'd be pointing to Skittles or some such thing.

 

I'd say, "Not today, Sweetie."

 

He'd say louder, "I WANT this!"

 

I'd think, "Oh crud, here it comes." (Well, I didn't actually think, "Oh crud," but something close to that.)

 

At this point, he would lose his senses. He'd start whining, then crying, then screaming. It was so embarrassing. And he lost control so completely. I think it was embarrassing for him, too. But he didn’t want to be told no and he just lost it.

 

I had two choices. Give in and buy the Skittles, or let him cry. And the vast majority of the time, I let him cry, while other shoppers gave me dagger eyes. We all know that complying with a screaming demand rewards the tantrum. But, knowing that, don't we often give in when faced with saying no to ourselves?

 

I was talking with a coaching client recently, who was describing how effective food is at numbing her out and relieving her stress.

 

"I just can't say no to myself after a long day at work," she asserted. "I have to have something to calm me down."

 

Yet, she so desperately wanted to reach goal weight. She saw the disparity between what she said she wanted (to reach goal) and the behavior that was sabotaging her health (eating anything she wanted, whenever she wanted it).

 

We agreed that being conscious about our eating, rather than using food to numb out, was one of the keys to long-term success. We also agreed that a good skill for my client to develop would be for her to learn to say no to herself.

 

Knowing that, she still resisted. She insisted that she could never deny herself certain foods (yes, sugar), because she didn't want to feel deprived. She was defensive, saying that feeling deprived would trigger a binge. I gently pointed out that not depriving herself wasn't working either.

 

Here's the thing. Hearing "no" is uncomfortable, whether it's from your parent, or from yourself. My son threw tantrums, and I found it very painful and difficult to stick to my guns and not give in. But over time, he realized he wasn't going to get his way, so he gave up the tantrums. He developed some acceptance and he became a lot more fun to shop with.

 

I think sometimes we let our inner child's threat of a tantrum derail our WLS efforts. We say, "I'll feel deprived," and react to that as if we're saying, "I'll die if I don't have that food."

 

Speaking of nearly dying, I was on a car trip with my husband soon after we met. I wanted the heat on; he wanted it off.

 

We argued awhile and suddenly he said, "I'm hot! I'm going to throw up!"

 

We still laugh about that. He was certainly not about to throw up. But that's how desperate he felt. He didn't want to be told no.

 

No one likes to be told no, but just as my son did, we need to get over that if we want to reach our goal. With my son, I just got down on one knee, looked him in the eyes, and said in a loving tone, "You can cry all you want. You are not getting the Skittles."

 

Now, I look in the mirror and say that kind of thing to myself.